My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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