I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
