In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I want is dick and wine.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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