Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you never un-have a 4some
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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