I think I died a long time ago.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
