In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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