Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
