things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
