So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Randomize
