Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
