He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
