I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my poor anus
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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