I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
