i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
