everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
