I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
