that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
