dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
