Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
