So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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