Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
