So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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