He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
