party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
