dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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