Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
