I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
