he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love accidental penises.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
