Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
