If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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