I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
