upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
