I accidentally had phone sex last night
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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