as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
