if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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