Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
