I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
