Even the bartender felt bad for me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
