i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
