I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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