Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
