I feel like abortions should bother me more
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
