Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
