new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
