Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
