Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
