nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
