I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
