sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize