I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
