I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
