I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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