i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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