my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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