What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
