i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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