I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize