I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
