he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
