There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
