im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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