I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
